Its time.

When in doubt, write.

Usually in an obdurate and illegible manner.
A pity, internet does not allow me to get away with bad handwriting.
A sign of things to come?

Common, frivolous pursuits and hardly an original thought?
There is little confusion today.
The disagreements are all in tone nigh content.
Sometimes its like a thousand penguins jumping into the sea.
Need I remember anyone?

The dullness of the senses
are perhaps the first
then go the dreams
not by impossible, but rendered meaningless

look back, say what you wanted to
leave a few sentences incomplete
for men may come
and men may go
but it will live on forever

The single minded pursuit of pointlessness

Here I am again.
Obsessed with, well, myself.

The small trivial everyday soldiers of life have reached forward base. Well on their way to conquering my spirit.
Can't hold on much longer I guess.
Little more, and the deluge of inconsequential days will crush the rebellion.

I live from day to day, always hoping that the constant mono-drone that life has to offer is a short undesirable stint. Unfortunately it is not.

Expectations are inevitable. To give in to them more so. And in the end, it all comes down to money. A hell lot of it can change anything. And its pursuit is as pointless as the goal itself.

To be or not to be isn't a question. It's a joke. A good one at that. Unfortunately understanding this is not the best thing that can happen to you.

Sleeplessness

The value of sleep
is only when you want to
but cannot
in all other cases
its quite useless

This too shall pass

Living with people.

I can't think of anything in life that tests you more often and severely than living with someone. Especially someone you like.

Everyday you need to decide, me or you. Who steps back and gives way. There is no answer to this. You could do this for ten years and suddenly be overcome by irrational insecurity.

Having your way is never a good idea anyway. You live with guilt, the consequences and well, the victim.

This too shall pass. Life shall go back to not having time to think.
Until then, bear with me please.

The importance of being earnest.

A few thoughts that I have been munching on for the last few days.

The first is that happiness is always a moving target.
In college all I wanted was a management degree and a job
In bschool I wanted a more fulfilling life
In my first job all I wanted was a boss who did not shout expletives at me
In my second I wanted the luxury of looking at the sky, some time for myself and a job that involved a little intellect or decision making
Then I was unemployed and all I wanted was to be employed or have some income
Now, I want some peace of mind, a job with lesser work hours and less tension. I also wish I can meet friends once in a while.

The equilibrium

Life is good. Also bad.
Always in equilibrium.
And so it will pass.
A lifetime, just like that.

Satisfaction

Yeah.
I lived.
I am sure.
I really did.

All those unlived, unliving out there.
Take a risk,
Risk that rotting, decomposing riskless life of yours.
take sip of poison with a breath of fresh air.

Nowhere

is a good place to be.

its stinks sometimes. Sometimes its just boring.
Mostly its just a little lonely.
nowhere is good place to be. If you have someone to give you company.

Total Dark Sublime

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

Desire

And So it is...

Buried

The last inhibitions
The last principles
Now, grovelling is legal

Sad day for me. Like so many others.
Reality is the harshest teacher in the world.
First the dreams go, then the ego, then the dignity.
What is left now?

Wanted

A lucky break.

Speaking

It all started with the need to scream. Aloud.
So I took the more civil way out and started this blog.
When you scream, you say dumb things, you rant, you rage, you say things you dont mean.
Thats how I started.

Now, I feel like speaking again. The demons have been quelled.
The past though not on talking terms is no more the pariah. We are trying to make amends, me and my past. And getting on.

Thrift, Thrift, Horatio!

"Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The funeral baked meats
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Horatio."
- Hamlet


The future looks bleak, The present confused.
The past lacerating.
There are regrets now, risks not needed,
Life could have been lived
with a little thrift in dreams.
Days could have gone, Just as meaningless.
But no whetstone,
to break knives on.

There is man who is mad
he wants to make amends with destiny,
who he shunned
but now he fakes knowledge
of fate and and its yarns
he feigns a power he lost
over his own desires

Now he does not know
what use dreams are
except excuses to sleep longer
and wake up a little later
realize the universe is real
and he is but a slave
of someone else's dreams, of someone else's screams

the poets are all dead and now all is matter
riches are to be scavenged
friends are to be lost
none are forgiven
life is just too short

Murphy

Murphy was such a bastard.
He was right.

A little less

dreams of the past,
nightmares of the future,
they ask,
master of the present,
what have you done?

have you smiled,
twice more than you should have?
made a day,
little more beautiful than it was?
helped a bit more than was practical?

At 28,
Do you claim to be unfazed?
by greed and by emotion,
by yourself chasing illusions,

What have you done?
A little more than was required?
or a little less...
this day you were born
is it special?

Evolution of Love

Circa 2007, February
LP: Hey, I want to ask you something...
SC: Sure, go ahead
LP(Shyly): Can I listen to telugu songs after we get married.
SC:(Laughs for good measure, Frowns, Getting Married!): Of-course, darling(for impact)

2009, February
Early one morning,
LP: (Singing Loudly) ^%$%^%&*^&*^&*^ (Telugu song)
SC: hush, hoosh, hush
LP: (Even Louder) #^^$&^%&^%*^*&^
SC: (Frowns, Getting Married! Sighs! covers his ears with a pillow with a degree of finality, mutters...)the deal was listening!
$%$&^^&*^(*&^(*&)(&*)(*)(

Into the shining sun

ticking away
catching up
no escape
no getting away
inexorable, the wings
freedom stings
life goes away
and you hold

memories,fading away fast
unrelenting
briefs flashes
of time
the greatest keeper
in time we will all
fade away fast
too fast

and still we try to
to collect
to enslave
what we cannot
Happiness come again,
and this time
no binds
no bounds

no false notions
of things not mine
This time will be different
and no staring audience
lets just start again
this time is different

The Diary of Unemployment

Day 1 to Day 7

It is strangely good to wake up in the morning with the clock not running out of ticks for you to get dressed and make a run to the office. The office run requires you to unhinge your mental faculties and keep them aside so that they do not interfere with your functioning at office. You commit yourself to living from opening bell to lunch and then look forward to EOD.

That said. It is crazy to think of what to do with your time. There are of course lots of things to do but none without an overarching sense of guilt, none without the social stigma of freedom bearing down on your mind and none without you wondering "what next".

The society demands an explanation. It needs a credible reason when it asks you "what are you doing?" I am a corporate banker with X Bank is a good enuf reason for your existence. It is a decent excuse for having 24 hours in a day and being alive to witness them.

But what if I say "nothing, really. I am just looking around for something to do. Something which does justice to my ability. Something which I find exciting, something which I think would be a good way to spend most of my waking hours."

And yet, what do I do when I know what I am doing is definitely not on the list of what I want to do. Trudge along until I find something more interesting? and probably trudge along until I see no sense in giving up what I have done for so many years? Yeah.

Thats the hell of it. There is no easy way. The desire to employ my intelligence, as opposed to employing my self, seems to have committed me to a course where no matter which way I choose. Pain will follow.

So be it.

The construction of a catastrophe

The reckless adventure of attempting the im-plausible
The feeling of being a step closer to your calling in this world
The madness of self belief in the face of an ever changing probability
The rush of blood from an anarchy of ideas
The anticipation of a possibility becoming a reality

On the precipice of disaster
the edge of catastrophe
is it all worth it?

Does it matter?

It is in the very nature of the universe.
Some will brook success, others abject failure.
We serve a purpose.
Be it a guiding light or a warning bell.
Speak out. Serve your purpose.

Certainty

To wait for everything to be clear is to be certain about not taking a decision.

Contempt

I have often been accused of having contempt for people(humanity), in general.
Sometimes the disdain is so obvious that it makes some of my friends cringe.

Well, yes. I do have contempt for people.
For one thing, my biggest grouse in life is that we are too afraid of losing things which we do not really care about.
And what do we do with things we really care about. For example, people close our heart?
Obviously take for granted that they will always be there, no matter what we do.
This is not relationship gyaan. I despise relationship gyaan.

A little courage. A bit of intelligence. Thats all I expect from anybody I know.
And I find nowadays, it is too much to ask for.
Go ahead ...damn me for being arrogant.

Inertia

Whether good or bad, when something rolls, it rolls.
To stop anything on a roll, something needs to happen.
To look at momentum and just hope it will stop, the odds will even out or things cant get worse/better is stupid.

Inertia drives the world. Someone needs to give it the right direction.

Plans change

Plan A
B Plan

One option. To succeed. Baaki sab bakwaas.

Plan A

Plan A:
Take classes at TIME
Write a book
Learn trading
Read Lots
Be Happy


Plan B:
Make a Plan B

Mr. Dumb Downer

I need a lot of time.
Time and Space. For myself.
I feel claustrophobic with a job.
Work needs to need me. Need my imagination, need my creativity, need my intellect.
Or I don't need it.

I am tired of dumbing down.
That is the reason, I like movies and books.
Good movies and good books.
No dumbing down there.

Woodehouse or Wilde don't want you to be dumb.
Or they would be jobless.

Kiewoloski or Coen brothers dont expect you to be dumb.

I am tired of being dumb for sake of it.
"Bend over, dear. And remember don't think."

To Hell. Anything better than dumbing down for a living. No more dumbing down.
No more Mr. Dumb Downer.

B for Bschool

B in B school stands for business. Right? It does?
And yet it astounds anyone if you tell them that you want to do something on your own after B-School.
In my view, we should refer to them as S-Schools.
Slavery-Schools.
Which seems to be the only takeaway everyone likes to take-away.

Some Friends

Like all else,
Passion needs to be nurtured.
An invaluable companion when the life defining moment comes around.

I miss this friend of mine in Austria.
Everytime; he makes some irksome comments, good conversation and interesting company.

Project Freedom

If there is a clear path in front of you,
A distinct and defined reward system,
A timeframe for achievement,
A safety net if you fail,
Then don't kid yourself. You are employed.

An entreprenuer has to live without these things.
The advantages he has are independence of thought, a distinct awareness of fallibility or failure lurking around the corner and a hazy vision of the horizon. His horizon is so much bigger that it is difficult to have a clear and clean vision.

Exceptional

To do something exceptional, is it neccesary to think exceptional?
Or is it just being the best at something conventional?